Maritzia's · Thoughts

For anyone masochistic enough to be interested, here's the link to my NaNo profile which includes an exerpt of the novel so far: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/151099

Warning, it is very bad writing which has had zero editing. Don't blame me if your eyes bleed.

Ask me to take a picture of any aspect of my life that you’re interested in/curious about - it can be anything from the house I live in to my favorite shoes. Leave your choice here as a comment, and I will reciprocate by taking the pictures and posting them as an entry. That way you get to know a little bit about my life.

Yes, boys and girls, it is once again time for NaNoWriMo, otherwise known as National Novel Writing Month.  In case you haven't noticed, that's a link.  Be a good little boy or girl and follow the link (don't worry, it opens another page so you can keep reading here).  So, time to throw ourselves to the mercy of the muse and attempt to put 50,000 words to paper in 30 days.

Last year, I decided to do NaNoWriMo at the last minute (like on November 2nd), so I had no preperation at all.  I hadn't so much as an outline or a character list, just a vague idea for a story.  This year, I'm working at being a bit more prepared.  I have about 1/3 of the story outlined.  I've got about 1/2 the characters planned out.  I need to buckle down in the next couple of weeks and get more of the prep work done so I can hit the ground running on November 1st.

So, who else here is a crazy person and signing up for NaNoWriMo.  I finished last year on my first attempt, so this year I'm psyched!

I know I haven't been posting much lately, but I have been incredibly busy.  One of the reasons I've been so busy is because the drug I'm taking for the fibromyalgia has been so incredibly effective (milnacipran, look it up).  And incredible isn't an understatement.  It's a wonder drug....honestly, it is.  I have so much more energy, and so much less pain.  Before I started on this clinical trial, I pretty much went to work and went home and vegged.  I had no energy for anything else and even just going grocery shopping over the weekend could mean that I didn't make it through the whole work week the next week.

So, I was at my regular appointment with my study coordinator today, and she mentioned that they are still looking for participants for the clinical trial.  I would have mentioned this here before, but I was erroneously under the assumption that the trial had closed to new participants...but it turned out that was just the double-blind portion of the trial.  The current trial is a 3 year open label trial.  You get study medications for free and they pay you for each study visit you make.  There are study centers across the country, so you don't have to live in a particular geographical region.  So, if you have fibromyalgia and are interested in participating in this study, go to http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00314249?order=14 to get more information.

Seriously, folks, we're talking serious wonder drug.

A couple of caveat's....be aware that you will have to wash off of all pain meds (except over the counter) and all antidepressants for two weeks prior to starting the trial.  That's one of the main reasons they are having trouble finding participants.  Not many people want to go off of their drugs, which I understand entirely.  You have to decide if the possibility of future improvement is worth the month or so of increased pain and fatigue until the new drug kicks in.  If you're able to do it, though, I do highly recommend trying to qualify for the trial.  The more people they can get for the trial, the sooner it gets approved by the FDA and the sooner the medication becomes widely available to folks with FMS throughout the country.

If you don't have FMS but know someone with it, forward the link to them

That is all.  You may continue with your daily web-browsing.

*sighs*

There, I'm better now.  I don't want to turn this into a whining journal.  I just needed to say that.

I found this on a friend’s Livejournal (you can blame

nightsinge

Be sure to click on the circle in the middle several times.  It changes each time.

http://www.boohbah.com/zone.html.

*sighs* Well, since I can't seem to post more than a sentence or two, you'll have to go to my main blog, http://maritzia.consecrated-life.org, to read my most recent post on the Barack Obama event in Seattle on Friday.

It's been that kind of week.  I've got my sleep patterns all messed up because of a couple of late meetings this week.  I didn't get home until 9 and was too wound up to go to sleep immediately, so was up until 11 or 12.  So, I'm seriously sleep deprived.

However, the campaign work is going very well.  I've been made the Secretary of the local campaign, Whatcom for Obama.  They seemed hesitant to ask me, because lets face it, not many people like to do administrative work.  But it's something I'm good at and I like to do it (I ought to since it's what I do for a living), so they were thrilled to have me agree to it.  That also means I'll be working with the steering committee for the local campaign as well.

Good news is Barack Obama is coming to Seattle on June 1st!  Anyone in the area that wants to go, tickets can be purchased at https://donate.barackobama.com/page/contribute/seattlekickoff.  A bunch of us from Whatcom County are carpooling up there.  If you're a deep pockets kind of person, there's a more intimate gathering later in the evening.  I believe the minimum price for that is $500 (I'm going from memory, don't quote me on that).

In other news, my sister just got a new job.  She was really struggling with which direction to go and was watching for the Divine to make things clear.  Well, he did.  The second job that she really wanted decided to put hiring on hold indefinitely, so she's taking the first offer.  It's a great job, too, but requires her to move to a small town in Nevada from Texas.  Well, at least she's already used to the heat *laughs* and the town is close enough to Las Vegas that visiting will be much cheaper.

And now I must dash back off to work.  Much to do....much to do.

Well, I've been quite neglectful of my little blog lately, haven't I?  I tend to go in fits and spurts with my writing, as I do in many things.  It's always been a character trait of mine, and one that annoyed my mother no end.  I've found, though, in my reading, that those who are NF's in the Myers-Briggs tend to work in this way and tend to work best in this manner.  ST's, though, of which my mother was an extreme, tend to work hard at one thing until it is finished and then move on to something else.  Hence my workstyle driving her crazy.  I spent a good deal of my life thinking I was quite lazy and had no internal drive or ambition until I started reading about the Myers Briggs types.  Now I know that is the way I work best and try to honor that, although it can lead to serious procrastination if you don't watch it, which is why my blog here has been unattended since February *laughs*.

So, what have I been up to you ask?  Well, the short answer is working!  The job has been very busy.  We had our big fund raiser at the end of April, so I was working a lot of overtime for about 6 weeks before.  The week of the fundraiser, I probably spent about 60 hours at work.  And, of course, given my generally low energy levels, once I got home I pretty much did nothing else.  For me, writing takes energy, and I just haven't had it to spare these last 2 months.  But, the fundraiser and all the work after is done (well, most of it, but what is left isn't urgent and can be done over time), so I have more energy to devote to other pursuits.  So, on with the writing.

First of all, for all those who have asked after my brother-in-law, I very much appreciate the concern.  He had his surgery on February 13th and came through it quite well.  His recovery was slow but steady and he is now back at work full time and doing well.   The doctor has been caustiously optimistic, but thinks they got all of the cancer and there is no spread.  He is stopping just short of saying it is benign, because...well...doctors are in general cautious people.  But he believes there is unlikely to be a recurrence.  Cliff required no radiation or chemo and has now been referred to the Cancer Clinic for regular followups over the next few years.  Thanks again to all who showed concern and sent energy to Cliff for his surgery and recovery.

When ever I spend so much time working, I like to spend most of my off time with Mark, so we've been watching a lot of DVD's over the last couple of months.  It's something we can do together that requires no real energy on my part.  So, we went back and watched Farscape again (one of our favorites).  We also got into Lost.  We've watched it twice and are eagerly waiting for Season 3 to come out on DVD.  Of course, we watched Battlestar Galactica while it was on.  The 3rd season started a bit slow, but really picked up again in quality towards the end.  Now we are watching the first season of Law and Order.  It's a show we have both always enjoyed, but I didn't start watching it until later in the production, so I've actually not seen any of season 1.

I've also been back on my reading kick.  I picked up a number of books when I went to help my sister after her surgery.  I've read The Known World, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, Wicked, and I've reread all the Harry Potter series in anticipation of the final novel coming out in July!  I'm so excited!

I'm now reading Sacred Contracts by Carolyn Myss.  I'm 3 chapters in, and I have to tell you that this book resonates with me and my beliefs like nothing has in a very long time.   You'll probably be reading more about it as I go through, because it is something that is really calling out to me.

On the writing front, I got a notice of a pagan short story competition with a June something deadline.  I've got a story wandering around in my head, and I need to see if I can convince it to inhabit paper.  I have no real anticipations that it will be good enough to win or even print, but having something like a contest always spurs me to write, since it's something I tend to be lazy about.  So, don't let me get lazy!  Stay on my back until I get it written and submitted.

Let's see...what else have I been up to....Oh, of course, how could I forget!  I've joined a campaign.  I figure now that I have more energy, it's time to put my money where my mouth is politically.  I am officially endorsing and campaigning for Barack Obama and have joined the local campaign here in Bellingham.

Well, that's about all that's been going on with me.  Anyone else doing anything interesting?

That is, one that I put together myself.  I included casting a circle and everything.  This was a healing ritual for my brother-in-law.  I was charging a crystal to send to him to aid his healing after surgery, but also to send general healing energy to him for his surgery on Tuesday.  (If you read this, Cliff, I'm be sending more energy to you during surgery Tuesday.)

Wow, I really had no idea how tiring something like this can be.  I felt very up and energized during the ritual and immediately after.  But now that I've released the energy raised (it still takes me a while to release energy.  I need more practice at that), I'm just drained.  Although, my hands are still tingling.  I don't know if that's just the remains of the energy or the nerves are just still all excited from the energy I was trying to pour into the crystal.  Those of you who are experienced ritualists, how long does it normally take for those sensations to pass?  It's been about half an hour since I released the energy.  I know in the past when I've raised energy, it's taken a long time for my hands to stop being all tingly.  You know, almost how they feel when circulation was cut off and then restored, or when you go from a really cold temperature outside to a very warm house.  That's what it feels like.

Anyway, my first ritual.  I'm still learning not to feel self-conscious out in my yard where the whole world can see me, but once I get into the ritual, that falls away.  I'd love, though, to have a big place in the middle of nowhere, where my rituals are private except for my family and the animals.  *laughs* Having come from the south, I always expect cross burners to turn up in my yard if the wrong person sees me.

And now I'm rambling because, yeah, did I mention I'm really tired?

I can't remember what movie or TV show that line was on, but it really struck me when I heard it.  It so exactly describes my relationship with my husband and his with me.  I've tried in my adult life to follow my intuition and the path laid out for me.  It's not easy when you're an obsessive over-thinker/worrier.  But sometimes things are so clear that even someone like me can see it and know it's time to move.

Both Mark and I spent our adult lives believing that we were meant to be alone, that was our destiny.  We followed our individual paths, went the way we were led, and while we were lonely at times, we were content with our lives as they were.

My path at the time was toward religious life in the Catholic Church.  At the age of 30 I entered a community but left before making vows.  It just wasn't the right fit.  I drifted for a while, got some desperately needed therapy *laughs*, pursued a fairly successful treatment for my fibromyalgia, and eventually, as I approached my 40s, I again sought religious life.  I found the perfect community for my.  They lived a close community life, which is what I sought, had retained some of the traditional practices of religious life, worked with the elderly, at least here in the states.  I seemed to fit in with them perfectly, and was all set to enter.

Then they asked me to wait for a year while they worked out some internal issues at the convent.  I was at a bit of a loss, because I had already shipped my mother off to live with my brother, had divested myself of a lot of the material junk that we tend to surround ourselves with, had withdrawn from ministries at church.  So I looked around for something to keep me amused while waiting for the year to pass.

I found EverQuest.  I began playing on New Years Day.  Believe me, that'll keep you busy *laughs*.  I was active in the game and active on the message boards for the forum.  I enjoyed myself, but I still kept my strong connection with the convent I was entering.  Everything was going well.  Then one day I posted something on the message board about missing EQ and the forums when I entered the convent.  A couple of days later, I got an e-mail from a cute little gnome that I met on the message boards.  And that was that.

He e-mailed me because he was interested in my decision to enter religious life, what it would be like, why I was interested, did I have any doubts.  He had a huge number of questions.  So I answered them and asked some of my own.  Thereby began the most voluminous correspondence of my life.  For almost two weeks, we kept the internet hot with our e-mails.  We discussed everything under the sun, life, religion, sprirituality, family, past experiences, everything.  I shared more with him than I did any other individual in my life, before or since.  We clicked, there's no other way to describe it. 

Next thing you know, we were phone callings as well as e-mailing.  Then I was flying out to meet him, and suddenly, 3 months later, my belongings were all packed up and I was moving across the country so we could be together.  That was almost 5 years ago.  As I said, I'm not one to jump without thoroughly investigating every detail, worrying and obsessing over every move.  But when you know something is right, you know it's right.

Over the years, I often pondered why God would put this strong attraction to religious life in me and never let it be fulfilled.  I was always delayed and put off by one thing or another happening in my life.  Well, now I know.  The one thing that attracted Mark and caused him to e-mail me in the first place was my attraction to religious life.  Because I followed the path before and kept at it even when I was constantly disappointed and delayed, I came to the path's culmination.

We don't always know where the path is leading us.  We might think we know, but we really don't.  All we can do is follow the path and trust that in the end, we'll know the reasons.  I found my reason, and he's all I never knew I always wanted.

Coming from a Catholic background and having spent time in the convent, I am obviously familiar not only with ritual, but with creating ritual.  However, when you step outside of a familiar belief system to create what is meaningful to you, in essence creating your own religion/spiritual tradition, it's hard to visualize what you want to do ritually.  I've performed a couple of rituals here and there that I've taken whole cloth from others, but I haven't really been creating my own rituals.

Fast forward to last week.  We found out that my husband's brother has cancer.  He will be having surgery next Tuesday and I want to perform a healing ritual for him.  I've been scouring the net for healing rituals or spells, and haven't come up with much that really speaks to what I want, so I have come to the point where I have to start creating my own rituals.  For those of you who have been doing this for years, you might think my hesitance is a little silly.  But coming from a Catholic background, where you are constantly warned about the importance of ritual and performing it correctly, it's a hard barrier to break through, to create your own rituals.

Anyway, I've got definite ideas about what I want to do.  This will be the first time I do a really full ritual, complete with calling of directions and casting a circle.  I've also been struggling with a deity to evoke.  Then I was reading a blog this morning talking about the history of Brigid and it struck me that she is a perfect goddess for this ritual, especially in her mother aspect.  So, I'll cast my circle and call the directions.  Then I will invoke Bridgid, cleanse my crystal and bless it, then light my candles with an invocation for healing and begin my healing chant.  I will close by thanking Bridgid and then closing the circle.  I'm still working on the details, but it's becoming pretty clear in my mind what I want to do.

This will be a new thing for me, but Cliff's illness has moved me to reach out of my comfort zone to help care for and heal him.  What better motivation is there than the need of a loved one?

My sister-in-law is just an amazing individual.  She's one of those people with so much energy, you get tired just being in the same room with her!  But she puts all of that fabulous energy to good use.  She does management consulting in the video games industry, which, as we all know, is not exactly the bastion of feminism.  She does a huge amount of charity work (she was President of the Board of Directors for Room to Read Canada), and she is extremely active in the sport of Ultimate.  She has been on several championship teams, and last year in Finland, her team (the Canadian National Team) won the gold medal at the World Ultimate Championships.  And this was at the age of 41!

Anja has been working in England for the last year or so, and while there she has been active, of course, in the Ultimate scene there.  Well, I just heard that Anja has been asked to coach the British National team!  Hooray for Anja!

Ladies, if you want a female role model for your children, Anja is you gal.  She's smart, funny, caring, energetic, fit, and never gives up.  She works in a male dominated industry and gets ahead not by being catty and petty, but just by being really fabulous at her job.  Anja, this one's for you, hon!

I know, I know, I'm writing a lot today. But for some reason I feel inspired. I don't want to do the same old things I do every weekend, so I'm stretching myself a bit, and that alone tends to inspire me.

The January card was King of Wands. I figure since January is mostly over, I'll go ahead and take a whack at this one. I've been reading various references for the King of wands. Most of what I'm reading shows him as the passionate leader, the charismatic one that inspires. Well, I've never really considered myself terribly charismatic, nor inspiring. I'm usually in search of inspiration myself. I've felt myself a little rootless this month, wandering, needing something to fire me up in one direction or another. Wavering is a good word to describe me this month. I haven't been unhappy, just trying to figure out which path I should be taking. I haven't had a charismatic leader guiding me one way or another, so I'm a little at a loss as to where this card is leading. Of course, I've always *wanted* to be the person described by this card, but I fear I am far, far from ever being that person.

So, I finally got around to doing a tarot reading for the coming year. I pulled a card for each month and one for the year. I'm still working on the interpretations (I'm now and a bit slow), so I'll add those later. For now, here's the draw:

January - King of Wands

February - Princess of Hearts

March - Ten of Pentacles

April - Ten of Wands

May - Four of Swords

June - Nine of Hearts

July - The Hanged Man

August - Four of Hearts

September - Ten of Swords

October - The Hermit

November - Ace of Hearts

December - The Devil

And the card for 2007 - The Star

That's an interesting one for the year. I earlier looked up my number for the year (I think it was 3), but the meaning was close to the same. It was a year of anticipation, the year when things would fall into place and great things can happen if I'm willing to do the work. I'm struggling with what exactly I'm supposed to be working on *laughs*. Is it my writing? I wrote my first novel for NaNoWriMo. I want to get it rewritten and possibly submit it to some publishers, not necessarily in the hope that it will be published, but to get the submission experience in case I ever write anything good enough to be published.

Then again, work is going terrifically well. My boss and coworkers like me. I'm good at the work. I have lots of ideas and abilities that can really make a difference there. Is that where I should be directing my energy?

Or is it going back to school? Should I direct my energy at finishing my degree and moving forward professionally?

There's not much I need in my personal life. My relationship with my husband is great. I continue to build a friendship with my sister. I love the dogs and the life that we lead. It's more in the professional development arena that I feel called to work. But work at what, that's the question?

I found this over at The Witch Within. It was too good to not share it with all my female friends here. I hope you post it on your sites. I have been unable to find an attribution, other than it is by an Australian girl. It's been around the net for a while, but it can't be repeated too much

I Fight Like A Girl

I fight like a girl who refuses to be a victim.
I fight like a girl who is tired of being
IGNORED and HUMORED and BEATEN and RAPED.
I fight like a girl who’s sick
of not being taken seriously.
I fight like a girl who’s been pushed too far.
I fight like a girl who OFFERS and
DEMANDS RESPECT.
I fight like a girl who has a lifetime of
ANGER and STRENGTH and PRIDE
pent up in her girly body.
I fight like a girl who doesn’t believe in
FEAR and SUBMISSION.
I fight like a girl who knows that
THIS BODY and THIS MIND are mine.
I fight like a girl who knows that

YOU ONLY HAVE AS MUCH POWER
AS I GRANT YOU.

I fight like a girl who will never allow you
to take more than I offer.
I fight like a girl who FIGHTS BACK.

So next time you think you can distract
yourself
from your insecurities by victimizing a girl,
THINK AGAIN.
She may be ME and

I FIGHT LIKE A GIRL.

See, nothing irritates me more than to have people trying to define what is and isn't pagan. Pagans have to be nature centered. Pagans of to be polytheists. Blah...blah...blah....

I feel the same way about Christians who try to define who is and isn't Christian. If I want to say I'm Christian, who gives a damn. If I want to say I'm Pagan, what the heck does it have to do with you? Pagan is a *very* broad umbrella. There's lots of us folks who have very eclectic belief systems who self-identify as pagan. Why? Because it's the closest we can come to an easy statement to give people a basic idea of our general beliefs. What irritates me more than anything else is this idea that somehow Pagan means Wicca. And while I share some beliefs with Wicca, I am not a Wiccan. I share some beliefs with Christianity, but I'm not really a Christian. Heck, I have beliefs that fit in with a lot of other belief systems, but none of my beliefs fit wholly within any defined, organized religion. (Although it's a stretch to call Wicca defined. It's about as defined as Christianity. The are some general items that most will agree to, but pretty much, Wicca practiioners tend to be a pretty eclectic group.) So, I identify as generically pagan, because more of my beliefs fit into that structure than any other. And that hurts you how? Why is it that you only feel good about your religion by categorizing and defining in order to exclude others?

*shrugs* What can I say, I spent the morning reading blogs by people who call themselves pagan (although you tend to actually find very little about their spirituality in their so-called pagan blogs), and that always tends to make me annoyed. I should stick to those blogs that I know interest me, but sometimes I want to reach out, hear new voices, find different inspirations. It just such a hard process of wading through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat.

I saw this article linked over at JeanC's.

http://www.spokesmanreview.com/breaking/story.asp?ID=8223

Now *that* is what the spirit of Christmas is all about!  No fan faire, she didn't seek publicity and hardly gave people a chance to even see who she was.  Talk about angels.

Yes, I know the site disappeared for a couple of weeks.  I forgot to renew the domain, but it's renewed now and back up and running.

And now on to the update....

First of all, the new job has been very, very busy.  They are really utilizing all of my experience here, and that's a good thing.  I feel like I am really having an impact on the organization, and it's been a long, long time since I felt really good about my work.  In November, we had our big, annual fundraiser, which I spent hours and hours working on.  I feel really good about it because it was the most successful fundraiser in the history of the agency, and my work added to that.

November was also NaNoWriMo.  I threw caution to the wind and signed up this year.  The challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days.  How did I do, you ask?

Yep, I wrote 52,548 words and finished my novel.  It's about a man and woman who have a relationship almost entirely by mail.  It's based loosely in my husband's and my relationship, which started by e-mail.  I'm in the process now of researching, editing and rewriting.  I'm really proud of it, though.  Writing a book has long been a dream of mine, and I'm thrilled that I actually did it.  Much thanks to my darling husband and his family for all the encouragement and support!

In gaming news, we played a variety of games.  We went from Shards of Dalaya, to Anarchy On-line, to Eve On-line, to EQII.  We really enjoyed EQII, but after a while, it got boring.  Pretty much each tier of quests is the same, just with harder mobs.  So, now we're back to EQ, playing on Test Server again.  I forgot how much I really enjoyed the people there.  The people really do make all the difference.  In about 3 months on EQII, the only time anyone talked to me was when they wanted something.  I didn't really think we had made such an impact on the server community, but everyone seemed to remember us when we got back.  I had welcome backs from people I don't ever remember meeting in game *laughs*.  So, for now, we're back in EQ and having fun.

On the health front:  I just finished the Phase II trial on the Milnacipran for the fibromyalgia.  I knew I was doing really well, but I thought most of it was due to the increase in thyroid I had around the same time.  Well, in between the rollover from the Phase II to Phase III trials, we had to wash off the drug.  Man, it's amazing how much of an effect it was having.  There were a lot of problems I hadn't even noticed were improved, which I noticed strongly when they came back *laughs*.  I'm starting back on the drug today, with a two week ramp up on the dose to the first dosage level of 100 mg.  I am so looking forward to being back on the drug.  These last two weeks have been really, reallly hard.  So, all you folks with Fibromyalgia, keep an eye out for Milnacipran to get FDA approval.  If you are in Europe, I believe it is already available.  Don't know about Canada yet.  But I do know that I have had a tremendous response to the drug.

Lots of other things to write about, but I've exhausted my little store of energy, and I really need to get some work done.  I'll try and add more later.

Ohh...one last thing.  Mark has an interview Thursday morning with a First Nations group to do some teaching.  Say a prayer, cast a spell, think positive thoughts, whatever your religious philosophy allows.  Mark and I both appreciate it very much.